Have you ever had a time when when things were too good to be true? You went with it, hoping beyond hope that whatever it was wouldn't end? I've decided I must be the master of mistakes in this regard. Recently I've had the best days in a long (emphasis on the long) time. Issues happened and the next thing I knew I was leaving all that behind me. I was wondering at the time maybe it was a sign, maybe it was for the best, maybe it was what should be happening. I almost convinced myself of such, until I walked into my house Monday afternoon. I felt a huge surge of sorrow flow through me that I completely didn't understand. Now I long for those days back again, I long for what I had, how could I have possibly let that slip away. Why didn't I stand up for what I really felt? Why am I such a chicken?
So now I've been thinking things through, I realize there are many things that I have not yet come to terms with in my life. Since I didn't have to work today, I've spent pondering these things and also watching the Last Song. (Which I do advise not to watch if you're already having a self pity party) Anyway, there was a scene in the movie that really hit home with me.
Ronnie talking to her mom says “It’s what I do. I push people away.”
While she spoke those words, it was almost as if I felt myself being replaced in the movie saying that. Before I moved out of the house I used to have issues communicating with my parents. I pushed them away, I wouldn't let them in. I hated talking about my life and just kept everything in. I was too afraid to open up and let someone else in. If I did, I couldn't be the independent, always put together Lindsay. If someone knew everything about me, my wishes, desires, fears, dreams, I would be putting myself in a vulnerable situation. I was always so afraid to let others in, what if they didn't like what I had to say or what I think?
I hear constantly from different people "why don't you open up? stop closing up. Don't hide yourself. tell me what's going on. please open up, tell me." I know they all think they're entitled to know of what it is they were seeking, but I have had enough experiences when I tried to open up and then BAM I get it thrown back at me, why should I keep doing it? Do I really owe people anything? Then again, I think of how many people I push away and most of them are the people closest to my heart, the ones I like the most. Why can't I let them in? Why can I tell a random stranger something on my mind or how I feel before I can tell the people closest to me? I think it is because I'd rather be hurt by a total stranger than have those same feelings come from someone who I trust the most. I feel like a museum guard, keeping everyone away from the skeleton of the T-rex. They all would love to touch it, but the guard must keep it safe.
I just would like to apologize to anyone that I've ever pushed out and to ask you to bear with me, help me.
This apology is mostly for someone *you know who you are*. So I apologize to the rest of you who are reading this. I am afraid you don't really even want to talk to me anymore. Like I'm written off your slate. I'm sorry I hurt you, I deeply regret any pain I have caused. You mean the world to me.
I'm sorry.
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