Today, I was laying out on the lawn savoring the cooler weather, the smell of summer turning to fall when the thoughts and memories that I've been suppressing so well overflowed from behind my eyes. Occasionally I'll have one creep through my defenses, but quickly put out the flickering flame of it. Being all alone, away from noise and distraction, technology and friends, seems to be the times when these sneaky little devils come out. It's harder when alone to push the thoughts away, because I can't busy myself with something else. I'm simply ... alone. These thoughts engulf me, threaten to pull me down and never let me go.
Have you ever loved two polar opposite things? You know logically that you must pick one, but emotionally how can you ever do it?! These are the emotions I try to keep hidden, safe away, where no one will find them, not even me. Most of the time I like to pretend I can have both and everything will work out, when deep down I know that's not how it works. The littlest things can trigger the remembrance of the inevitable. A simple smell, a word, a picture. There's no way around the simple, everyday reminders. Then as the thoughts come crashing out, the emotions follow. The devastation, helplessness, longing, worrying, the tears. Wishing somehow you could get the two on the same page, but knowing you can't force agency or facts. You become the girl on the piano bench, singing all of her tears away.
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