Happenings Around the Office

Can I just say I <3 my coworkers? Especially my L2's (the guys I work most closely with).

They make my day. here are some examples of daily entertainment me:

 Me: Chris Cook would like a call from you today. 5 min of your time
Mike: k, high maintanance for sure
that dude drives me crazy
Me: I need to wipe his memory and erase my phone number from it
hahahahaha
me too, I almost didn't answer it but I know he'd keep calling back until I did
Mike: he's like a mosquito
Me: true story. I'll grab the fly swatter
Mike: electrical bug zapper might work better
Me:but more satisfaction out of actually swatting it myself eh?
haha
Mike:True. Then fry him with a magnifying glass
hahaha

One more..

Me: Sal Sardina do you want?
Jim: I'm on a call...
can you put them in for tomorrow?
Me: I just want you to check out, it's a sub 650
so it can be after your call
Jim: lol, ok
just a minute
Me: sorry to confuse you
Jim: well, it's gonna be a few
I'm confusable
Me: oh no worries I have alllll the time in the world
Jim: whoa! I just looked at that file!
Great File, I'll take it
Me: :D
I know It's pretty huh?
Jim: thanks for hooking me up!
oh, yeah
Me: It's what I do ;) I hook people up. You'll hafta go elsewhere for the drug hookup though
Jim: so.... you're a..... Hooker?
hahahahaha
Me: hahahaha oh dear.


Moral of stories: apparently I'm a bug torturing hooker

So it's been a bit since I've written. Been too busy for my own good. I think it's finally catching up to me. The work days that span from 7 am to 7 pm daily. Individual days fly by and seem to come and go, but adding up those days, eventually the fatigue catches up. The fatigue of life, the pressures crushing into me from all sides, and I can barely breathe. The air hole is becoming smaller and smaller and if I don't figure out how to release this pressure, I might be crushed to death. As these feelings engulfed me, an angel in human form helped pull me through. Simple words of kindness and understanding and encouragement. My despair and sadness left as I told this stranger my deepest darkest secrets. Those I didn't want to face, those I was afraid to face. The tears ran down my face as I told my story for the first time ever. It was hard, like picking a scab and opening the wound again, letting it bleed. I didn't want to, but it was peeled away slowly like skins of an onion. After getting it all out, I honestly didn't feel much better like everyone says I should when I talk about things. What I did learn is there are those out there that will stick by you thick or thin even if you're convinced you're a complete idiot. Those are truly remarkable people .
<3 thank you for your help stranger from afar.

Twitter whaatttt

So I was asked if I was going to write something today and I said, "If I posted it would say Today: I'm sleepy". Then I was explained to if I only wanted to write that much I just needed to get a twitter account and post it on there. Needless to say, I'll write on my blog instead. So I took off of work early today to come down to Cedar City to see my lil sis :). It was a long enough drive, I'm pretty sure I must have listened to all my songs....4 times....(I'm not exaggerating I swear ;) ). So now here I am waiting for her to get off work and then ....let the party begin! :). Needless to say this is such a good day.

The Inevitable

Today, I was laying out on the lawn savoring the cooler weather, the smell of summer turning to fall when the thoughts and memories that I've been suppressing so well overflowed from behind my eyes. Occasionally I'll have one creep through my defenses, but quickly put out the flickering flame of it. Being all alone, away from noise and distraction, technology and friends, seems to be the times when these sneaky little devils come out. It's harder when alone to push the thoughts away, because I can't busy myself with something else. I'm simply ... alone. These thoughts engulf me, threaten to pull me down and never let me go.
Have you ever loved two polar opposite things? You know logically that you must pick one, but emotionally how can you ever do it?! These are the emotions I try to keep hidden, safe away, where no one will find them, not even me. Most of the time I like to pretend I can have both and everything will work out, when deep down I know that's not how it works. The littlest things can trigger the remembrance of the inevitable. A simple smell, a word, a picture. There's no way around the simple, everyday reminders. Then as the thoughts come crashing out, the emotions follow. The devastation, helplessness, longing, worrying, the tears. Wishing somehow you could get the two on the same page, but knowing you can't force agency or facts. You become the girl on the piano bench, singing all of her tears away.

Freedom, Independence, Strength

According to my boss, I should probably be asleep but I've just had so many things running through my mind.
First, I think Provo Utah (or just Utah in general) is corrupting and distorting my mind. It's like this whole "Lets all get married at 18, have first kid at 19, and then have 10 more while we're at it to complete our big happy family". It's almost like a contagious disease. Seriously. What if I don't feel like getting married right away? What if I want to get married around say 26, have kids a couple years AFTER I'm married so I can enjoy time with my husband, and what if I only want 2 kids. Is that SO wrong? And then when you date a guy for more than 4 months and you're not serious and thinking about getting engaged within the next month, then all of a sudden he's "not the right guy". Not everyone is the same. I honestly once had someone tell me that I'd know when I found the right guy because things would go "very fast". As in date for a few months and then BAM get married. First off, WRONG. Secondly, that may be how some people work, but given circumstances and life experiences I've had, I would definitely rather be single the rest of my life than to marry someone after dating them for less than a year. End of story. I know I know I've heard how "dangerous" that is and all, and I get where you're coming from, but that's what I feel is important. Seriously, the first couple of months is the puppy love stage anyway.
I wanna live my life, be able to make decisions for myself, go places I want, randomly travel without having to worry about someone else's finances on top of my own. Experience life, nature, the beauty of the earth. Hike the Himalayas, Navigate the Nile, Gaze over the Great Wall, Sail the Seven Seas. Love and be loved by many, make a difference in the world by brightening people's day.
You will be with that one person for eternity. Too many people I feel get married to someone before they really know themselves. I need to know and understand myself before having the responsibility of someone else. I need to learn who I am. In order to do so I need to have the freedom to fly. I need to test limits, expand horizons, learn life lessons. The more I feel like I have a place and purpose in the world the more satisfied I am with life. The daily little instances that add up to the big picture of who LINDSAY is. The boss that recognizes your hard work and perseverance, the friend who encourages and uplifts, the family members who push you to succeed. The drive, the desire, the yearning to be the best you can be, and when you've found that person, that, right there is a feeling beyond description. When you finally know, YOU. That's when life can move forward.

A Great Day To Be Alive

I'm stealing my feelings today from a country song <3. Although today was a long, rough day, this song came on the radio and reminded me of the reasons life can always be great! The freedoms we enjoy. The great job. The awesome roommates, a car that runs, a roof over my head. Parents who are willing to wake up late at night when their daughter is in an emotional state (haha). The coworkers who sit and endure my stories all day long. My boss, who puts up with sooooo much.

Anyway, enough from me, let me direct your attention to a little Travis Tritt

Yeah I think I'll make me some homemade soup
Feelin pretty good and that's the truth
It's neither drink nor drug induced
No I'm just doin alright

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

It's been fifteen years since I left home
Said good luck to every seed I'd sown
Give it my best and then I left it alone
Oh...I hope their doin alright

Now I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A lone wolf there starin back at me
Long in the tooth but harmless as can be
Lord I guess he's doin alright

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

Sometimes it's lonely
Sometimes it's only me
And the shadows that fill this room
Sometimes I'm fallin
Desperately callin
Howlin at the moon...
Ahwoo!
Ahwoo!

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

The Reason

Have you ever had a time when when things were too good to be true? You went with it, hoping beyond hope that whatever it was wouldn't end? I've decided I must be the master of mistakes in this regard. Recently I've had the best days in a long (emphasis on the long) time. Issues happened and the next thing I knew I was leaving all that behind me. I was wondering at the time maybe it was a sign, maybe it was for the best, maybe it was what should be happening. I almost convinced myself of such, until I walked into my house Monday afternoon. I felt a huge surge of sorrow flow through me that I completely didn't understand. Now I long for those days back again, I long for what I had, how could I have possibly let that slip away. Why didn't I stand up for what I really felt? Why am I such a chicken?
So now I've been thinking things through, I realize there are many things that I have not yet come to terms with in my life. Since I didn't have to work today, I've spent pondering these things and also watching the Last Song. (Which I do advise not to watch if you're already having a self pity party) Anyway, there was a scene in the movie that really hit home with me.
Ronnie talking to her mom says “It’s what I do. I push people away.”
While she spoke those words, it was almost as if I felt myself being replaced in the movie saying that. Before I moved out of the house I used to have issues communicating with my parents. I pushed them away, I wouldn't let them in. I hated talking about my life and just kept everything in. I was too afraid to open up and let someone else in. If I did, I couldn't be the independent, always put together Lindsay. If someone knew everything about me, my wishes, desires, fears, dreams, I would be putting myself in a vulnerable situation. I was always so afraid to let others in, what if they didn't like what I had to say or what I think?
I hear constantly from different people "why don't you open up? stop closing up. Don't hide yourself. tell me what's going on. please open up, tell me." I know they all think they're entitled to know of what it is they were seeking, but I have had enough experiences when I tried to open up and then BAM I get it thrown back at me, why should I keep doing it? Do I really owe people anything? Then again, I think of how many people I push away and most of them are the people closest to my heart, the ones I like the most. Why can't I let them in? Why can I tell a random stranger something on my mind or how I feel before I can tell the people closest to me? I think it is because I'd rather be hurt by a total stranger than have those same feelings come from someone who I trust the most. I feel like a museum guard, keeping everyone away from the skeleton of the T-rex. They all would love to touch it, but the guard must keep it safe.
I just would like to apologize to anyone that I've ever pushed out and to ask you to bear with me, help me.
This apology is mostly for someone *you know who you are*. So I apologize to the rest of you who are reading this. I am afraid you don't really even want to talk to me anymore. Like I'm written off your slate. I'm sorry I hurt you, I deeply regret any pain I have caused. You mean the world to me.

I'm sorry.